Hello everyone! As you can see, I deleted all of my old blog posts and I am starting fresh. My blogs will still be about me and what is going on in my life so don’t worry ;). I try my best to be mindful about what I share in my blogs, because in the past I’ve had a few blogs people didn’t necessarily agree with how much I shared and that’s fine. My writing is for me, and it really helps to talk about the struggles that i have gone through in hopes to help others, and let them know they are not alone. As we are at the end of 2019 I can’t help but feel extremely happy that this year is over. 2019 was filled with many ups and downs. It definitely taught me a lot of lessons... (good and bad). But most of all, it taught me about life, love and loss.
May 2019, I started school for my health and human services degree! School has helped me in more ways than I can count. I have been extremely focused and I have loved every single minute of it. The late nights, homework, deadlines and papers - everything has been worth it. I graduate this August and these past two semesters I have been on the Dean’s list with a 4.0 and I plan on working my ass off even harder so that I can graduate with honors. Working towards my future career has me extremely excited and I cannot wait for the future. I want to make a difference in peoples lives because I know what it’s like to go through hard times and I want to be an advocate for those that need help. Once I’m done with this degree I’ll go onto the next degree and after that degree, I plan on getting my Masters. My family and friends have been extremely supportive, and I don’t know what I would’ve done without them. They keep me grounded, they keep me positive and I know that if I ever feel like I’m not doing good enough, they put me in my place and remind me how far I’ve come and that I should be proud of myself.
Everyone has asked me lately if I am dating....or if I am doing online dating. Yes i am on online dating, but I’m also not in a rush. Sure I am open to putting myself out there again and finding someone that is going to be my better half. For the longest time I did not think that I wanted to put myself out there and really get to know someone again. I felt as if nobody would really appreciate me and that it was just going to be a disaster before it even started. Recovering from a broken heart was not easy, but let me tell you something - when you finally get over somebody and you know what you will deal with and what you won’t deal with, it changes everything. I know exactly what I want now and I refuse to settle. I want my dream guy - I want my dream house - (white house with black shutters and a red door and a fence around the house so that my kids can run around and play). I want a husband that is my better half, builds me up, doesn’t judge me for my shortcomings. I want somebody to fight with, to make up with, make bad Pinterest recipes and laugh about it when they don’t turn out like they should and somebody that will dance in the kitchen with me to my favorite song. I want to be able to be myself around my future husband and I also want him to know that he can always be himself. I want commitment and I want honesty. I have found that some people who are married are not themselves and they paint this picture that they live this amazing life and in reality it’s not, so it forces them to be angry or act out in ways that could damage their marriage. What’s the point of being married if you can’t truly be yourself?
My brother came home a few months ago and it felt like a piece of my heart came home. He is sober and working towards a better life for himself. Our relationship is strong and we talk every day. I remind him how proud I am of him and that good things are going to happen for him. He lives in a structured community that keeps him on track and he is doing amazing. Larry, I love you so much!
This past year was also filled with babies, engagements, new homes and new jobs. My best friends are doing amazing at being first time moms and dads. I love how involved i am in their lives as their families grow. We still talk every day, and we still try to get together all the time too. Of course they go through struggles, but they also don’t hide it. They don’t paint a perfect picture of a fake life on social media like others tend to do just for followers. You can tell a lot about a person by how much they are willing to share. Not every day is filled with sunshine and rainbows, it just isn’t.
Your mental health is so important and if you are not feeling good it affects a lot of things in your life. I’ve had some really tough times this past year... actually some pretty dark days but I also knew that suicide was not an option. I have an amazing doctor that truly has changed my life for the better. Sure I still have days where my PTSD gets triggered and my anxiety is at an all time high, or the days when I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s important for me to be around people and not by myself so much. It keeps me positive and I feel more like myself. Medication is not a miracle worker, but it has helped me be myself again. Once I started to feel better I joined a new gym and it’s slowly but surely changing my life. I’m losing weight, working with a trainer, working with a nutritionist daily and my confidence is getting better and better. The gym has been an amazing outlet for me and the more I push myself, the better I feel. I will NEVER let my weight get out of control again. Not only am I eating healthier and working out, but I also go to a meeting once a month to listen to other people who struggle with binge eating/eating disorders. It has been extremely helpful for me and I have read so many new books that give amazing tips and advice.
I recently left my job that I was at for over 6 years. Your happiness is important, and I found that where I was working was causing more stress than I could handle. It became very toxic and I knew that I could not stay there anymore. I’m thankful for the friends & clients that I have met along the way. I accepted a new job and I start on Monday at a pediatrics office. I am so so so excited for this opportunity and I feel extremely lucky. School & my career go hand in hand and I can’t wait to see what the future holds!
As i close this blog, I can’t help but think about my cousin Steven. This month it will be a year since he left us. It still doesn’t seem real, and holidays don’t feel the same without him. I left the chair next to me at Christmas dinner empty because that’s where he always sat. To this day, I still have a really hard time understanding death. I never knew that I could miss someone this much. I know he is looking down on all of us and wouldn’t want to see us sad, but it’s really hard. In a few weeks me and a few of my family members are getting tattoos in his honor. We’ve been thinking about this for a long time and finally agreed on what we would get. I love you Steven, and I hope that I am making you proud. When I graduate in August i will be putting your initials on my cap/gown. You are the reason I went back to school and you gave me the strength to go after my dreams. I’m thankful for the good years i had with you, I just wish we would’ve had more time. Till we meet again cousin.
I’ll be posting once a week :) ! <3 Lo
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