happiness

Starting over can be scary. I took a risk and I decided to end a chapter of my life and begin another. Change has always made me nervous, but I made a big decision and never looked back. Since I made that decision, I have been so much happier. I don’t feel this cloud of stress that constantly used to hang over my head. When you put your happiness first, good things start to happen around you. For the first time in my life, I am excited for the future. I am almost done with school and I can’t wait to start my next degree. I keep getting these emails from school letting me know that the end is near, and it feels like Christmas morning. Obviously I still have to study hard till the end, but HOLY SHIT I AM ABOUT TO GRADUATE!!

I’m getting over a nasty cold I’ve had for the past couple days. My voice sounds like I should be singing smelly cat… (friends reference). It’s hard to stay motivated when you aren’t feeling good, but I have been very proud of myself for not staying in bed. I have been eating healthy and drinking lots of water to get rid of this cold. I am obsessed with following recipe pages on Instagram lately. I am also one of those people that watches those oddly satisfying videos where they like cut things and show slime and stuff. I only allow myself to troll those videos before bed though because if I do it during the day, I find myself sitting on my phone and not getting anything done. If I did, I would look like one of those people that have the permanent social media back hump from leaning over starring at their phone. 

I went shopping today to make some new recipes and to try some new foods! I also bought a ton of stuff for my green smoothies and protein shakes I like to make every day. I don’t know if anyone else is like this, but when I grocery shop, I like my cart to look very colorful. I don’t know what it is, but it just makes me happy! Tonight, I am making Mexican stuffed peppers with ground turkey, salsa, black beans and brown rice. This meal is great because it still tastes good heated up the next day. I am really weird about leftovers. If it’s dry as fuck, I am not eating it. So, I have a few meals for the next two days for work and dinner. I also got a pork roast that I am going to make towards the end of the week. That recipe is my absolute favorite! I slow cook it in the crockpot for 8 hours with chopped onion on it and siracha sauce. When it’s all done, I shred it and I make pork tacos out of it! It is sooooooooooo good! You can do tacos or even burrito bowls with it! Super easy and that is another recipe that tastes good the next day! For breakfast I am going to make this egg bake with onions and green peppers. My sister makes it all the time and it’s super easy and fast to make! Oh, and it’s healthy!! I am one of those people that if I don’t plan my meals, I forget to eat and then eat too much for my next meal. Since October I have been really good about planning my meals during the week. If I map out what I am making for the week, it makes grocery shopping and meal prepping sooooo much easier!! I am prepared for the week and I feel accomplished. 

 

Every morning I have been getting up and doing 40-50 push-ups before I get in the shower. I don’t know why, but it gets me extremely motivated for the day! MY treadmill is finally getting set up this week and I can’t wait to make it my goal to use it every single day. Me and two of my neighbors carried this heavy ass treadmill up the stairs on like a 80 degree muggy day, and I don’t know what we did but It’s been locked in the same position for two months and my dad hasn’t been able to figure it out. My brother said it’s going to be his mission to get it set up and working for me. So, I am really looking forward to using it! I love running/walking on an incline and that baby is going to get used! I am about to put in some work!  

 

I cannot stop listening to country music lately. Usually I like to mix it up, and I listen to a lot of rap. But my goodness, so many people are releasing good tunes. I swear, I’ll be driving, and I hear a song, and it literally is talking about my life. I am one of those people if I really like a song, I will listen to it like ten more times that day. I look up the lyrics to. I know I am a n-e-r-d. I can tell that when I am going through something or can’t get someone off of my mind, I like to just get in the car and drive listening to music. It always makes me feel so much better. Here are some songs that I am currently obsessed with! Mostly country and a few new Post Malone songs from his new album and some other randoms! 

 

Stay Over – Jackson Michelson

All Over Again- Luke Combs 

More Hearts Than Mine- Ingrid Andress

I Hope- Gabby Barrett 

Cover Me Up- Morgan Wallen

Resentment- Kesha ft. Brian Wilson

Gave Him Away- Emily Hackett

Last Habit- Matt Stell

Everywhere But On- Matt Stell

Wait For Me- Kings of Leon

Heartless- Morgan Wallen ft. Diplo

Battle Scars- Lupe Fiasco & Guy Sebastian 

A Thousand Bad Times- Post Malone

Die For Me- Post Malone, Future, Halsey

 

Check these songs out! So so so so good! I definitely have been listening to all of them on repeat for a couple weeks now. I should be starting dinner right now, but I wanted to make it my goal to get a blog post done for the week! I promised myself I would write once a week, and I am sticking to it! 

I started a new job on Monday and I absolutely love it! Tomorrow is only my second day, but I can tell that I am going to feel right at home. I have to be careful and make sure I pack my lunch though, there are so many medical reps that bring in lunch/cookies.. (shit) that I don’t need. I just imagine everything is covered in mushrooms and then I wont want to eat any of it. LOL! On my first day of work I accidently parked in a doctor’s parking spot, and I had to move my car secretly when the doctor was in a room with a patient! I had no idea the doctors only parked in thar section, figures that would happen to me on my first day. Me and some of the girls laughed about it and they told the doctor a patient was parked there. That was a close one lol! I hope that made you laugh because my face was bright red at work. Tomorrow I plan on parking a mile away from everyone’s cars so that doesn’t happen to me again. I learned so much information on my first day that I almost felt like how the hell am I going to remember all of this…but then I reminded myself that EVERYONE feels that way when they start a new job. Just gotta tell myself to take it day by day and not stress myself out. I’m sure I’ll have another funny story to share next week, and probably the week after that as well. 

I am reading this book right now about dating and it’s very interesting. Men these days make it impossible to know what they really want. We spill secrets, hookup – and then it says you can tell me to stay, have space or get close, but you can’t have both and that right there is dating these days. I was like HOLY SHIT WHY IS THIS MY LIFE. No, I am not seeing anybody currently, but I have had incidents/past relationships in the past that have been exactly that to the T. I’m trying to do things differently and be completely honest and up front about what I want. I think sometimes we get so excited about being physical with someone that we give off this vibe that we just want hook ups, and well, most girls don’t want that. I have given that vibe and I know a lot of other people have to. But as you get older, it really does get old and you don’t want to play games anymore. I always thought that older men were more mature, but even older men play games just as much as the younger men. So, if anyone knows a nice bearded man between the ages of 30-37 feel free to send them my way. I am now accepting boyfriend applications for the new year. Oh, and because every single year I go to a million weddings. I really don’t need a wedding date, because I can rip up the dance floor all by myself, but it would be nice to stare at someone while they eat a dinner roll that I can’t eat while listening to some annoying Ed Sheeran song. 

This blog has me cracking up at my own writing…I am such a nerd. I need to get started on homework and be productive. I’ll be back next week! Thank you for reading my blog :)!

A fresh start!

Hello everyone! As you can see, I deleted all of my old blog posts and I am starting fresh. My blogs will still be about me and what is going on in my life so don’t worry ;). I try my best to be mindful about what I share in my blogs, because in the past I’ve had a few blogs people didn’t necessarily agree with how much I shared and that’s fine. My writing is for me, and it really helps to talk about the struggles that i have gone through in hopes to help others, and let them know they are not alone. As we are at the end of 2019 I can’t help but feel extremely happy that this year is over. 2019 was filled with many ups and downs. It definitely taught me a lot of lessons... (good and bad). But most of all, it taught me about life, love and loss. 

May 2019, I started school for my health and human services degree! School has helped me in more ways than I can count. I have been extremely focused and I have loved every single minute of it. The late nights, homework, deadlines and papers - everything has been worth it. I graduate this August and these past two semesters I have been on the Dean’s list with a 4.0 and I plan on working my ass off even harder so that I can graduate with honors. Working towards my future career has me extremely excited and I cannot wait for the future. I want to make a difference in peoples lives because I know what it’s like to go through hard times and I want to be an advocate for those that need help. Once I’m done with this degree I’ll go onto the next degree and after that degree, I plan on getting my Masters. My family and friends have been extremely supportive, and I don’t know what I would’ve done without them. They keep me grounded, they keep me positive and I know that if I ever feel like I’m not doing good enough, they put me in my place and remind me how far I’ve come and that I should be proud of myself. 

Everyone has asked me lately if I am dating....or if I am doing online dating. Yes i am on online dating, but I’m also not in a rush. Sure I am open to putting myself out there again and finding someone that is going to be my better half. For the longest time I did not think that I wanted to put myself out there and really get to know someone again. I felt as if nobody would really appreciate me and that it was just going to be a disaster before it even started. Recovering  from a broken heart was not easy, but let me tell you something - when you finally get over somebody and you know what you will deal with and what you won’t deal with,  it changes everything. I know exactly what I want now and I refuse to settle. I want my dream guy - I want my dream house - (white house with black shutters and a red door and a fence around the house so that my kids can run around and play). I want a husband that is my better half, builds me up, doesn’t judge me for my shortcomings. I want somebody to fight with, to make up with, make bad Pinterest recipes and laugh about it when they don’t turn out like they should and somebody that will dance in the kitchen with me to my favorite song. I want to be able to be myself around my future husband and I also want him to know that he can always be himself. I want commitment and I want honesty. I have found that some people who are married are not themselves and they paint this picture that they live this amazing life and in reality it’s not, so it forces them to be angry or act out in ways that could damage their marriage. What’s the point of being married if you can’t truly be yourself? 

My brother came home a few months ago and it felt like a piece of my heart came home. He is sober and working towards a better life for himself. Our relationship is strong and we talk every day. I remind him how proud I am of him and that good things are going to happen for him. He lives in a structured community that keeps him on track and he is doing amazing. Larry, I love you so much! 

This past year was also filled with babies, engagements, new homes and new jobs. My best friends are doing amazing at being first time moms and dads. I love how involved i am in their lives as their families grow. We still talk every day, and we still try to get together all the time too. Of course they go through struggles, but they also don’t hide it. They don’t paint a perfect picture of a fake life on social media like others tend to do just for followers. You can tell a lot about a person by how much they are willing to share. Not every day is filled with sunshine and rainbows, it just isn’t. 

Your mental health is so important and if you are not feeling good it affects a lot of things in your life. I’ve had some really tough times this past year... actually some pretty dark days but I also knew that suicide was not an option. I have an amazing doctor that truly has changed my life for the better. Sure I still have days where my PTSD gets triggered and my anxiety is at an all time high, or the days when I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s important for me to be around people and not by myself so much. It keeps me positive and I feel more like myself. Medication is not a miracle worker, but it has helped me be myself again. Once I started to feel better I joined a new gym and it’s slowly but surely changing my life. I’m losing weight, working with a trainer, working with a nutritionist daily and my confidence is getting better and better. The gym has been an amazing outlet for me and the more I push myself, the better I feel. I will NEVER let my weight get out of control again. Not only am I eating healthier and working out, but I also go to a meeting once a month to listen to other people who struggle with binge eating/eating disorders. It has been extremely helpful for me and I have read so many new books that give amazing tips and advice. 

I recently left my job that I was at for over 6 years. Your happiness is important, and I found that where I was working was causing more stress than I could handle. It became very toxic and I knew that I could not stay there anymore. I’m thankful for the friends & clients that I have met along the way. I accepted a new job and I start on Monday at a pediatrics office. I am so so so excited for this opportunity and I feel extremely lucky. School & my career go hand in hand and I can’t wait to see what the future holds! 

As i close this blog, I can’t help but think about my cousin Steven. This month it will be a year since he left us. It still doesn’t seem real, and holidays don’t feel the same without him. I left the chair next to me at Christmas dinner empty because that’s where he always sat. To this day, I still have a really hard time understanding death. I never knew that I could miss someone this much. I know he is looking down on all of us and wouldn’t want to see us sad, but it’s really hard. In a few weeks me and a few of my family members are getting tattoos in his honor. We’ve been thinking about this for a long time and finally agreed on what we would get. I love you Steven, and I hope that I am making you proud. When I graduate in August i will be putting your initials on my cap/gown. You are the reason I went back to school and you gave me the strength to go after my dreams. I’m thankful for the good years i had with you, I just wish we would’ve had more time. Till we meet again cousin. 

I’ll be posting once a week :) ! <3 Lo